The Way Of The Andy

I Am An Occasional Blogger

2012-01-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

via cectic.com

Huxley vs. Orwell

2011-09-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

The Universe Is Big

2011-09-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Right now, on your computer screen, are approximately 10,000 galaxies.

Each of those galaxies contains anywhere from ten million to one trillion stars.

The average star is roughly a million times the size of Earth.

And yet, with all that junk, the Universe is more than 90 percent empty space.

All of that, in this tiny photo. A photo that took 400 orbits and 800 exposures to take.

And the kicker? The photo covers one thirteen-millionth of the entire night sky.

via cracked.com

Did You Know...

2011-08-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

New Zealand's national basketball team is called The Tall Blacks. They play an exhibition game against the Illini later this week.

Hipster Jon Snow

2011-07-23T15:01:00.001-07:00

Bachelor Vision

2011-07-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

More On The Diet, Odds And Ends

2011-04-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

Still Trying To Cut The Cheese

After my last post frequent commenter and all around cool dude Bryan Campbell asked that I go into a little more specifics about what I have and haven't been eating recently.

I think answering the what I don't eat part of that will prove easier. The very first rule Angie and I set for ourselves was No More White Flour, Added Sugar or Starch. In essence, we eliminated almost all processed foods from our diets. I say almost because initially dairy was still a big part of my daily consumption. Since we are shifting to a paleo diet I've gradually reduced the dairy. I still throw a little cheese on my salad and sometimes add a slice of cheddar on my burgers.

One misconception I hear a lot that I'd like to clear up: A paleo diet is not an all-meat diet. In fact, the phrase "paleo diet" is a bit of a misnomer. The foods that existed in paleolithic times are either gone or have changed to the point that they look completely different. A paleo person never saw anything like the domestic cows we feast on, and wouldn't know the modern banana if he slipped on the peel in hilarious fashion. Even the air they breathed was different. That said, do I eat a lot of meat? Hell yeah. I love meat, and eat it at every meal - mostly grass fed meat. But I eat a lot of veggies, too. In fact I'd wager I eat more veggies than almost anyone I know (that's my grocery cart pictured above). For the sweet tooth I still struggle with, a nice handful of mixed berries usually does the trick.

Odds And Ends

- If you haven't seen HBO's Game of Thrones yet, find a way to do so. If you haven't read the books, do that first. The first two episodes have followed the books almost exactly, with only a few minor (very minor) tweaks. I can see this show replacing Dexter as my current favorite. The books are second only to Discworld as my favorite fantasy series.

- I'm glad to see the St. Louis Cardinals have decided that hitting the ball is conducive to a successful season.

- The script for Bill and Ted 3 is finished. The end draws nigh.

Not Dead, More Alive Than Ever

2011-04-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

Back in early March Angie and I stumbled upon a documentary called Fat Head on Netflix streaming. The film started as a send up of Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me, with filmmaker Tom Naughton exploring the possibility of losing weight on a 30 day fast food diet, and, no, he doesn't eat just grilled chicken and salads. You can even check out his daily food log, something Spurlock has never released. To achieve his goals, Tom limited his daily caloric intake to 2.000, and daily carbohydrate intake to 100. The results shouldn't surprise anybody. He loses weight and body fat, and cholesterol numbers improve. The second part of the film focuses on nutrition, and how the nutrition recommendations given by the U.S. government are based on the fatally flawed lipid hypothesis.

Angie and I found the results of the film, and the revelations about nutrition, intriguing. We began studying up on low carb nutrition. We found the reasoning to be sound, but the only way to know for sure was to try it ourselves and see what happened. So about five weeks ago Angie and I started our low carb diets (with additional research we are slowly converting to a paleo diet, but that is for another post), and the results have been phenomenal. In the last five weeks we have both lost over ten pounds, and over three inches from around the waist. There has been a tremendous upswing in both our attitudes and energy levels. In fact, I've found myself with so much energy I've been walking three miles or more a day just to get rid of it.

But that's not the best part.

I'm an insulin-dependent Type II diabetic. I've struggled with it for years, giving myself anywhere from three to six insulin injections a day only to end up with readings ranging from 200 (bad, really bad) to ERR (too high for my glucose monitor to read). My endocrinologist told me my pancreas was likely dead, and I could expect to be taking insulin injections for the rest of my life. About a year ago I found checking my blood sugar too depressing, and just stopped doing it all together. From the start I really wanted to test the effectiveness of this diet, and stopped taking any insulin, as well as my Metformin. One week in I got brave enough to check my fasting blood sugar. Anything under 100 is good for a diabetic, although non-diabetics can typically expect something around 85 or lower. Mine was 77! Of course I was thrilled, and began checking my blood sugar throughout the day, following meals, before and after workouts, sometimes just when I felt like it. Since I started checking I've had an average reading of 89! That's a normal, non-diabetic reading without the aid of any medicine or insulin.

It gets better. Last weekend Angie and I traveled to San Diego for a family reunion, and broke our diets for the first time. I ate bread, cotton candy, and cake among other things. I came home expecting a blood sugar level back in the 200s. After all, I spent three days eating the diet that made me diabetic, and still wasn't taking insulin, and hadn't taken my daily walk all weekend. We got home Monday afternoon. Tuesday morning I checked my blood sugar; 78! That means my pancreas has begun repairing itself, and my body is back in the habit of regulating its blood sugar without outside help. A process you non-diabetics take for granted.

So that's what I've been up to lately. Sorry for the lack of posts. The diet (more of a lifestyle now) continues, and I still have about thirty pounds I'd like to lose. I see my doctor in a couple weeks, and should have my cholesterol numbers, and an A1C test. I expect nothing but positive results.

Bored?

2011-01-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Here's a fun Internet time waster; an easy way to come up with your band's name, album cover and album title. Here's what you do:

1 – Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random.” The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 – Go to Quotations Page and select “random quotations.” The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.
3 – Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days.” Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 – Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together

My results:

Band Name: Disk space analyzer
Album Title: the way it started

Or you can just go here, and have it all generated for you.

Bill O'Reilly Proves God's Exitstence

2011-01-08T21:27:00.001-08:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Bill O'Reilly Proves God's Existence - Neil deGrasse Tyson

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

Why I Love Anime II

2011-01-08T17:48:00.001-08:00

The greatest anime entrance ever.

Review of 2010 Goals

2011-01-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

On January 1, 2010 I sat in my Chicago apartment and laid out what I felt were four honest, and attainable goals for the new year. Now, on January 1, 2011 I'll review how I fared with those goals from the comforts of my Springfield apartment.

1) Write Twelve Short Stories. Failed. I only wrote two. One was a comedic story of twisted revenge. The other about a man who realizes that, although he is still very much in love with his fiance, he isn't good for her. I am rather proud of both, but two is nowhere near twelve.

2) Cut Back on the Social Networking. Failed. I find that whenever I'm bored I pull out the iPhone, and check Twitter and Facebook to kill time. Plus, I started posting my "standup material" on Facebook, and got some positive feedback which kept me coming back all the more often. I'd like to try this one again for 2011.

3) Devote More Time To The Blog. Failed. I made less entries in 2010 than I did in 2009. I'd like to say things will be different this year, but there will probably even less entries.

4) Read Only One Book, And Take As Close To One Year As Possible To Do It. Failed. The book I picked for this challenge was Under The Dome by Stephen King. I finished it in about ten days. Afterward I tried to keep a running lists of the books I read in 2010, but it got too long and annoying to maintain. This was the dumbest of the four goals.

Why I Love Anime

2010-12-18T16:19:00.001-08:00

The Illini Game

2010-12-18T15:49:00.001-08:00

...I don't wanna talk about it.

She Doesn't Blink

2010-11-29T19:42:00.001-08:00

And he looks weird when he sings.

Return of the Podcast

2010-10-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

What happens when you take three veteran podcasters, put them in a room after a year and a half layoff, and expect podcast magic? Disappointment. The rust is obvious, and so is the lack of preparation, but there is one funny joke in there if you care to listen long enough to spot it.

Click here to download.

Another Year Down

2010-09-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

Hi

2010-09-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

Remember at the beginning of the year when I declared it was time to finally get serious about my writing, and set a goal to write at least one short story a month? Well mission accomplished this month, my friends. One short story in the bag, and on its way to rejection.

On a side note, my blogging stats revealed to me that this page gets significantly more page views than I would have guessed, and that people are finding me through some interesting though narrow Google searches. The top five are:

1) Red hair
2) Men with red hair
3) Neanderthal red hair
4) Red hair (again)
5) Andy Einstein (finally!)

Not In My Country

2010-08-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

the arrogance demonstrated by the president is disgusting.

I am tired of the leftist democratic loons, running out in front of cameras screaming racism, and intolerance. Those pigs only have one common goal, to see the utter demise of America. isnt it obvious by now that the President himself is soooo OUT OF TOUCH with reality and every body here in the US????

THE ISSUE IS ABOUT IT BEING HALLOWED GROUND AND BASICALLY IT'S A GRAVEYARD ! ! ! AMERICA'S GRAVEYARD FOR 911 !!! AND PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GOING TO ALLOW ISLAM TO BUILD A MOSQUE TO SHOW THEIR VICTORY OVER AMERICA SO THEY CAN REVEL IN THEIR VICTORY ON 911 ! ! ! ! THE RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS HAVE NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE SITUATION (THE BOSTON POLICE ACTED STUPIDLY: remember Pres OBAMA?) THE FOCUS SHOULD BE ON ISLAM SPITTING ON THE GRAVESITE OF 3,000 AMERICAN SOULS!!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE FOCUS MR PRESIDENT WAKE-UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If they build it, they will come. If they buld it, They will come and destroy it. this CORDOBA INITIATIVE has only one aim. to claim victory. the project wants to have a thirteenth floor for prayers and what a beautiful view of ground zero that will be!!! need I say more? If they build it, we deserve to lose our freedoms and country to them.

Obama is a true idiot plain and simple. God help our country the remaining 2 years of his reign of terror!

USA!!! USA!!! NoBama!!! NoBama!!! USA!!! USA!!!

Sincerely,

Grant ‘Jimmy Lip’ Hogan

Note: The entirety of this 'letter' was copy/pasted from the comment sections of various Fox News articles.

K.O. on Prop 8

2010-08-05T16:54:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd bring this little gem back out in the wake of Proposition 8 being overturned. This was Keith's Special Comment when it was initially passed in November of '08.

If You're Comin On...COME ON!!!

2010-07-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a moment to honor Harold Howard, one of the early pioneers of mixed martial arts (MMA). I feel the man is often overlooked when discussing the legends of this young sport. Consider the following:

- He was the first man to defeat UFC Hall of Famer Royce Gracie when Gracie threw in the towel before the fight, chickening out due to dehydration and a broken foot.

- Is the only man to attempt a flipping axe kick in the octagon (see video below).

- Wore a mullet without irony.

- Boasts a record of 2-3.

- Is currently incarcerated for two counts of attempted murder, two counts of assault with a weapon, attempted breaking and entering, failure to remain, flight from police, dangerous operation of a motor vehicle, mischief, and two counts breach of recognizance after being captured by police after attacking his sister and nephew with a hammer, attempting to force his way into his estranged wife's home, and finally crashing his car into a casino.

Why the UFC has failed to recognize such a legend is not known. I just hope my little blog can go some way to rectifying such an injustice.

Books Read

Under The Dome by Stephen King
John Dies At The End by David Wong
Fool by Christopher Moore
Jingo by Terry Pratchett
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett
Bobby Fischer Goes To War by David Edmonds and John Eidinow
The Summoner by Gail Z Martin
The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons
Gator A Go-Go by Tim Dorsey
Divine Misfortune by A Lee Martinez
Open by Andre Agassi
The Jordan Rules by Sam Smith
Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett
Homicide: A Year On The Killing Streets by David Simon
The Will Of The Wanderer by Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman
Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris
Nine Dragons by Michael Connelly
Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett
Supreme Courtship by Christopher Buckley
The Truth by Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett
Thud! by Terry Pratchett
Men At Arms by Terry Pratchett

Currently Reading

Why I Fight by BJ Penn
The Hero With A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell

To Read Pile

Star Island by Carl Hiaasen
Bone Shaker by Cherie Priest
Going Postal by Terry Pratchett
Making Money by Terry Pratchett*

* Pratchett is obviously my default author to read when nothing new is out. I would guess I read almost all his books 1 -3 times a year.

My Girl's Pussy

2010-07-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

This is why I like old timey stuff so much.

That's Not Funny

2010-06-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in the 70s, people got really confused over what was really funny and what wasn't. People watched shows like Happy Days and Mork and Mindy, and thought they were witnessing comedy. They were wrong. The low point came with one Raymond J. Johnson Jr. Witness below, the worst attempt at humor EVER.

Did you laugh? Perhaps out of sheer embarrassment, but not from any form of mirth. You may recognize the shtick from The Simpsons and/or King Of The Hill. That's where I discovered it, but I thought the shows were just poking fun at old-timey humor. However, not only was ol' Ray J real, he popular enough to get an endorsement deal.

*Sigh* What are you doing, 1970s?

The Best Sentence I've Read All Year

2010-06-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

From a June 16 BBC article:

A German student "mooned" a group of Hell's Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said.

BP Underwater Oil Plumes Hold Vast Quantities of Oil

2010-06-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

Everybody Draw Mohammad Day

2010-05-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

I couldn't be bothered to actually draw anything on this day, which is meant as a nod to free speech, but if I had, it probably would have looked like this.

If you're curious about why today is Everybody Draw Mohammad Day click here.

Books Read

Under The Dome by Stephen King
John Dies At The End by David Wong
Fool by Christopher Moore
Jingo by Terry Pratchett
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett
Bobby Fischer Goes To War by David Edmonds and John Eidinow
The Summoner by Gail Z Martin
The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons
Gator A Go-Go by Tim Dorsey
Divine Misfortune by A Lee Martinez
Open by Andre Agassi
The Jordan Rules by Sam Smith
Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett
Homicide: A Year On The Killing Streets by David Simon
The Will Of The Wanderer by Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman

Currently Reading

Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris

You Kissing Slut!

2010-05-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

She's sweet sixteen, and never been kissed. Never! Except maybe by her creepy father, and the lord.

You Kissing Asshole!

2010-05-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

Not sure why a man would want to kiss another man on the mouth before a fight, but here's what happens when he does. The American, Heath Herring, who does not believe actions speak louder than words, assures us repeatedly that he is not gay even if he does sound less sure of himself with each pronouncement. The Japanese fighter, Yoshihiro Nakao, was later taken to hospital and treated for a nasty case of rejection with complications from a broken heart.

You Want Sad, Funny, Scary, Confusing?

2010-04-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

Then watch this:

Similar to my reaction when the Illini lost the 2005 title game.

Books Read

Under The Dome by Stephen King
John Dies At The End by David Wong
Fool by Christopher Moore
Jingo by Terry Pratchett
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett
Bobby Fischer Goes To War by David Edmonds and John Eidinow
The Summoner by Gail Z Martin
The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons
Gator A Go-Go by Tim Dorsey
Divine Misfortune by A Lee Martinez
Open by Andre Agassi
The Jordan Rules by Sam Smith

Currently Reading

Homicide: A Year On The Killing Streets by David Simon
The Will Of The Wanderer by Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman

When Fundies Attack

2010-03-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

Recently I posted on Twitter my displeasure concerning the Texas School Board's decision to pass a new curriculum favoring religion over evolution. Last night I got a message from a fellow Tweeter, though he and I do not follow one another. Below is the transcript of our conversation. I'm not using names to protect the naive.

Him: You believe all this evilution nonsense or what?

Me: What do you gain by denying it? The evidence is overwhelming.

Him: What evidence, answer me this, can a baby take care of itself? and can something come from nothing?

Me: No. What does that have to do with evolution?

Him: How would the first organism to evolve be able to take care of itself?

Me: Well it was bacteria. Not much to it.

Him: Well what about the first mammal to pop up on the scene, all mammals must have a mom!

Me: Of course.

Him: Ok so obviously the mammal's Mom must of started as an adult, and had to have been created!

Me: False dichotomy.

Him: there is no way the first mammal could have survived without a mother!

Me: I don’t think you understand evolution

At this point I got tired of the argument, and blocked him. He may or may not have replied. I don't know. I didn't see the point in continuing since he didn't appear to have even a Jr. High understanding of evolution.

So, I went to bed, and forgot about the whole thing. When I woke up, however, I found it was far from over. I had seven direct messages sent to me while I slept from people who had obviously read our exchange, and were none too happy with me. Initially I deleted these messages without replying, but, luckily, copies were also sent to my email. I have copy/pasted the messages below, and added what I would have said had I chosen to reply.

Does It Bother You That Your Going To Hell Believing The Evolution Lie?

No. There is no hell. Oh, and it's "You're."

Why do you atheists insist on shoving it down our throats? This country was founded on Christian doctrines.

No it wasn't. It was founded on Greek democracy and the Old Roman Republic.

There is no evidence for evolution, let alone overwhelming evidence. Your just a blind sheep following Darwin.

We have been collecting evidence for over 150 years now, and not a single shred of it has pointed to anything other than evolution. Visit a museum. Oh, and it's "You're."

You and the other evolutionists are bound for hell. Dearwin was a puppet of satan, and so are you.

I'll steer clear of "Dearwin," should I see him.

I will pray for you.

Thank you.

Jesus is LOVE. Evolution led to Hitler. You need to think about the choices your making.

Yes, Hitler "believed" in evolution. He also "believed" in gravity (another scientific theory), and was kind to dogs. Feel free to float away, and kick a puppy. Oh, and it's "You're"

The problem is simple, The Bible is FACT. All you have is a theory.

Evolution is both a fact and a theory. Unlike most seventh graders, you don't even know what a scientific theory is.

There you have it. I know I'm dealing with the lunatic fringe here, so there's no need to expound upon this any further. I just wanted to share. Although, I'm surprised none of them called me a "looser."

The Creepshow - The Garden

2010-03-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm almost convinced that nobody reads this blog, but that's okay. Earlier this week I made a rare discovery: a band I like that was formed within the last five years, performing a song I like written before 1995. So I thought I would share it with you, Non-Existent Reader.

Fission Mailed

2010-02-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

In my least shocking news of the year I would like to announce that I failed my Slow Reading Challenge with Stephen King's Under The Dome. What can I say? The book was good, and I wanted to see what happened. This actually happened about a month ago, and I've read a few since. I think in place of the Challenge I'll just keep a running list of what books I read this year.

Books Read

Under The Dome by Stephen King
John Dies At The End by David Wong
Fool by Christopher Moore
Jingo by Terry Pratchett

Currently Reading

The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett
Bobby Fischer Goes To War by David Edmonds and John Eidinow

Fair and Balanced

2010-02-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Science Guy,

You make me wanna spit. Yesterday, I seen you on the tv - and it weren't no honest tv like fox news - talkin about how it ain't vaxinations causin babies to get autisitic. You must think I was born yesterday. You think I am so stupid as to not see your fancy little cover up? Huh? You think I don't know that you egg heads are just pupets for Big Pharma? And that Big Pharma is just a pupet for the goverment and Barrak Husane O'Bama? And that Husane is taking orders directly from the New World Order?

Yeah, you talk like you are on the up and up. Sayin I can go here or there on the computer, and see for myself. Well I ain't goin to some liberal website tryin to convert me in to a dam muslim! No sir. Did Barrak Husane O'Bama cry for this country? No! You know who did? Glen Beck, and he ain't said word one about vaxines NOT causin autism. And unlike your hero Keith Overman he is FAIR AND BALANCED.

So save your breath because this guy right here ain't fallin for it! I ain't gettin my boy vaxinated, and I ain't drinkin milk from no radioactive cows, and I damn sure ain't puttin no muslim back in the white house!!!

You discust me,

Grant 'Jimmy Lip' Hogan

J.D. Salinger (1919 -2010)

2010-01-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

J.D. Salinger, author of The Catcher in the Rye and many other great novels, has passed away at age 91.

Jay Leno sucks

2010-01-22T23:16:00.000-08:00

Under The Dome (slow reading challenge)

2010-01-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

One of my many and awesome Christmas gifts last month was Stephen King's latest door stopper Under The Dome. Weighing in at 1,072 pages it's his third longest book after The Stand and It.

Andy, handsome as you are, I don't see how you can make time for this book and meet the grueling goals you've set for yourself in 2010.

Well, there's a few ways I can tackle this. The Old Andy (1979 - 2009) would've stuck his nose in the book to the exclusion of all else including wife, friends, and domestic chores, and would only come up for air once the book was completed. Given the length of this book, maybe five or seven days.

But this is the New Andy (2010 -), who is all about setting goals and writing in the third person, so therefore I give an additional new goal for this year:

4) Read Only One Book, And Take As Close To One Year As Possible To Do It.

I got this idea from the Final Fantasy VII speed runs I did last year, where I tried to beat said game as fast as possible. Of course this is the opposite type of challenge. Now I said the book was 1,072 pages long, but it starts on page three so it is actually 1,070 pages. For the book to last one year I would have to read 2.9315068493150684931506849315068 pages per day, but we'll call it three. So if I start tomorrow, January 3rd, I will finish in 356.66666666666666666666666666667 days,or just before Christmas 2010.

There are a couple advantages of this goal/challenge that spring immediately to mind. When I resume a more normal reading schedule next year (minus the ignoring the rest of the world) I'll have a whole years backlog to work through. This should help me get through the dry spells that pop up every year as I wait for my favorite authors to publish. Plus I won't be spending my money and wasting my time on the crap books I always turned to during those dry spells.

Can I meet the challenge of such moderation? Only time will tell.

So Long....uh, Decade and Goals For 2010.

2009-12-31T21:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what we call this past decade. The Ought's? That's my favorite. The Oh's? The Oh Oh's? I guess it doesn't matter. The decade is over, and while it had its share of ups (getting married, moving to Chicago, meeting my current set of friends) it also had its share of downs (getting diabetes, eight years of Bush, watching my wife almost die of a mysterious blood ailment). I always try to be a forward thinking individual, and with that in mind I bid these past ten years adieu while looking forward to 2010.

Goals For 2010

1) Write Twelve Short Stories. This averages out to one per month, and with a minimal amount of effort should be easy enough to attain. I want to keep these between 1,000 and 10,000 words, though a short story can double that. Notice I said nothing about publishing these stories. I will write them for myself, and will only share them with Angie. If I am particularly proud of one I may share it with close friends and family, but only if they are nice enough to me.

2) Cut Back on the Social Networking. These past two years or so my Twitter and Facebook habit has gotten out of hand. A good chunk of my free time was spent checking Tweets, and updating statuses. Even my not-so-free time (like when Angie is talking to me) was spent on this nonsense. This doesn't mean I am quitting entirely, just cutting back, and hopefully keeping updates a little more meaningful. For example, I'll tweet to let everyone know this post is up. :)

3) Devote More Time To The Blog. I've decided to make writing my habit, and this is going to be part of it. I think it is a more healthy pursuit than my aforementioned habit, and goes along nicely with my junk food addiction. I don't have a set number of posts for the year, so I'll let the reader decide if I've met this goal of "more" or not.

That's it. That's the list. Pretty simple, I think, and not once did the phrase "lose weight," rear its ugly head. I suppose my first post of 2011 will be to review these goals, and set new ones. In the meantime, I have a little work to do.

The Decade In Music

2009-12-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

I read that Billboard named Nickelback the band of the decade. This is tells us several things about the state of mainstream music, and none of them are good. This has been the worst decade for music by far, but there have been a few bright spots. Here are my top three bands of the decade:

3) System of A Down - Yes, a mainstream band, but still a good one. They actually started out in the 90s, but really hit their stride in 2001 with the album Toxicity. Follow ups Steal This Album, Mezmerize, and Hypnotize showed them tweaking their sound and separating themselves from the other nu-metal groups that were so prevalent at the start of the 2000s.

2) AFI - I remember buying my first AFI album. I went into Atomic Records the day after I graduated high school, and bought the album Answer That And Stay Fashionable because the cover was a parody of the movie Reservoir Dogs. I've been a fan ever since. Their sound has gone from pop punk, to a Misfit clone, to their own unique style which now has them on the fringe of mainstream success.

1) Bad Religion - This band is the same age as me, and they only get better and better. When The Process Of Belief came out I swore up and down it was their best album. Then I said the same thing about Empire Strikes First, and most recently about New Maps Of Hell. What more can you say about the greatest punk rock band of all time, and how do I pick one song to use as an example? I chose this one because I agree with the sentiment.

Just kidding. Here it is:

Focus- Hocus Pocus (live '73)

2009-11-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

So the Beatles break up, and three years later this is what passes for music? The unfortunate thing about this is that the drummer, bassist, and guitarist actually have some talent. I'm not sure how they got saddled with this "singer." His facial expressions make the video, and that "whistle solo" at the end is absurd.

Enjoy!

Change Player Size Watch this video in a new window Bad Religion - God Song (acoustic atheist version)

2009-11-13T16:32:00.000-08:00

It's Always Sunny

2009-11-09T21:46:00.001-08:00

Took a stab at making my own trailer for It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

Haw

2009-11-09T20:37:00.001-08:00

Beatles Rock Band

2009-09-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Those who know me won't be surprised that I recently purchased The Beatles Rock Band for the Playstation 3, and they will be even less surprised to read my glowing review below:

The Beatles Rock Band was released on September 9th, coinciding with the CD remastered versions the band's albums (yeah, mine are on back order). The game bundle comes with a microphone, guitar, and drum set. I purchased an additional guitar separately, a replica of the exact guitar John Lennon used when he played Beatles Rock Band.

I've never actually played a Rock Band or Guitar Hero game before so after familiarizing myself in Quick Play Mode I went straight for Story Mode which follows a linear progression of The Beatles history from the early days in the Cavern Club to the rooftop concert during the Let It Be sessions. However, there are some subtle differences. I'm sure, for instance, that during their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show the batteries to the real Beatles controller didn't die causing the band to pause in the middle of I Wanna Hold Your Hand while I plugged it in. I also doubt my cat Bella jumped on any of the Beatles' back during the concert.

Not sure how Ed would've handled that latter one as it brought the whole show to a standstill.

The curtain goes down, Ed comes out, "Ladies and Gentlemen, The Beatles' cat jumped on Ringo's back and even now is being pursued with vigor by our hard working men and women back stage."

I don't know. I guess The Beatles could have collectively owned a cat.

The visual backgrounds during the songs are impressive. The animations capture the mannerisms and stage habits of the band perfectly, and the psychedelic back drops during the studio sessions are incredible. I am the Walrus is one the weirdest, freakiest fucking things you will ever see in a video game. As the game loads in between songs you can hear previously unreleased "studio chatter" between the band members. This leads to the games biggest flaw; Angie hitting the continue button before I can hear everything that is said.

Overall, if you are a fan of The Beatles or this style of game I think you'll want to check this title out. I don't see it converting any non fans, but I don't fault the game or music for that. Those people are retarded.

I give it 4.5 moptops out of 5.

The Way Of The Andy Episode Four - Two Crude Dudes

2009-07-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

What happens when two people who have never recorded a podcast together do just that? Well, they talk about vidja games past and present. It's The Way of the Andy Episode Four.

Click here to download the episode.

Would Somebody Please Tell Me What The Hell This Is?

2009-07-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

The Way Of The Andy Episode Three - Sound Clipathon

2009-06-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

Click here to download the episode.

A Spoiler Free Review of True Blood - Season One

2009-05-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

To fully enjoy True Blood I had to accept what it was not. True Blood is not Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels. The main plot of the first book and the first season of the show were essentially the same, but there were differences. Secondary characters were more involved in the show, and given richer and more complex stories, but the main difference between the book and the show is the mood. I always felt the Sookie books had a kind of lighthearted touch to them, even when dealing with dark subject matter. True Blood discards that lightheartedness in favor of a Southern Goth style of horror more macabre and perverse than anything from the novels. I think the changes work well for television.

In the main, True Blood is worth watching. It mixes equal parts erotica, tragedy, fantasy, and throws in some dark humor for good measure. There’s not one bad actor or actress on the show. They all handle their parts competently, and Stephen Moyer as the vampire Bill Compton is excellent. The overall pacing of the season is uneven as the first four episodes drag in spots, but they still manage to keep you interested. Once you hit episode five things really start to get crazy.

Final Grade: A- out of 10.

Who Would Do This?

2009-05-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

My friend Nicki sent me this pic over the weekend. I'm sure she had a good reason. I think this is a motivational poster waiting to happen, but I'll be damned if I can think of a caption.

Some Things

2009-05-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

In a previous post I mentioned I had downloaded all the free mp3s from Amazon.com's mp3 store, and as a service to you, Dear Reader, would listen to all 742 songs and sort the good to the crap. Mission Accomplished, my friends. I can honestly tell you they are all crap. Especially the songs by Dan Zanes.

I ate at Kiku's on Friday night with Angie and some friends. The manager brought over a printout from a blog that contained a review of the restaurant. One of my friends mentioned this blog, and the manager quickly laid down this ultimatum: Blog about my restaurant or I'll charge you triple price the next time you come in. Yeah, there's no doubt I'll be going again, and I don't have that much money so here you go; I am blogging about Kiku's.

I just recently spent the best $35 I spent all year on Punch Out for the Nintendo Wii. It's a remake of the classic, best known as Mike Tyson's Punch Out, which debuted on the original Nintendo Entertainment System twenty-two years ago. Everything that made the original great is present on the modern update. The larger than life opponents, the "tells," and the innocent racism are present. The animation is amazing, and above all the game is simply fun to play. Highly reccomended.

EDIT: Okay so some of the songs are decent, but nothing worth writing about. If you want to check out any of the now 854 songs for yourself the link is as follows: http://www.amazon.com/Free-Songs-Music/b?ie=UTF8&node=334897011

Message to Cats

2009-05-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Cats

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.

Beating me to the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either,as I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meeow, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's litter tray. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

From www.siliconhell.com

The Future

2009-05-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick post to let you know that a real update will eventually make its way to this blog. I've been a bit lazy as of late (translation: my entire life), but I do have some ideas in mind. I downloaded all the free mp3s from Amazon.com, and am currently separating the good stuff from the crap. Once that's done I will report to you the results. The process is taking a little longer than anticipated because, well, every song is crap. I also have The Way Of The Andy Episode Three planned. My guest will be media mogul Matthew Ryan. I may also try my hand at movie and book reviews.

Before I can do any of that I have to go on vacation so I'm leaving you with this video featuring nature's most noble animal.

Sir Nicolas

2009-04-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

Just a quick picture I took of Nic with my phone.

The Way Of The Andy Episode Two - Andy to Andy

2009-04-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

In the this episode I am joined by The Other Andy and we confront the complexities of being an Andy in a world that has moved on.

Download the show or subscribe to the RSS Feed.

Seriously?

2009-04-02T20:29:00.001-07:00

Here's video of Rep John Shimkus letting us all know we need not worry about climate change because in the end it's all up to god. I wish that made me feel better.

Go Now!!!

2009-03-27T16:06:00.001-07:00

If you haven't already, pick up a copy of the latest Sangamon Star, or check it out on their website. It features a Shorty by yours truly.

The Way Of The Andy - Episode One

2009-03-19T23:10:00.001-07:00

As most of you know I have been co-hosting a podcast under various names for close to five years. It's an enjoyable hobby, and I can't see myself stopping anytime soon. In fact, I enjoy it so much I have decided to take on hosting my own "solo" podcast. I use the quotation marks because I will have a variety of co-hosts joining me on each episode so I guess it's not technically a solo effort.

The format for the new show (I haven't settled on a name) is going to be a little bit different from The Ironic Divide. First, I plan on keeping this one relatively short - somewhere in the five to ten minute range. Second, there will only be one subject per show. Angie joins me to discuss recent comments made by Pope Benedict for this one.

Feedback, suggestions, and constructive criticism are always welcome.

Download the episode or subscribe to the RSS Feed.

Grave Memorial

2009-03-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

Today I took advantage of the nice weather to do something I haven't done in almost ten years. I went to Oak Ridge Cemetery to visit my friend, Michael, who passed away in 1998 after being struck by a car.

As I stood by his gravestone I noticed how well kept it appeared in comparison to the others nearby. I know Mike has several siblings and both his parents are still alive to maintain his resting place. I guess whoever survived these others have either passed themselves, or moved away or just moved on.

This was when I noticed the other graves seemed to be closer together than I remembered. Does Oak Ridge exhume its residents and move them into ossuaries or catacombs? Do all cemeteries do this? Did this mean I was actually standing over empty ground, and not my friend's remains? If so, than it's more important than I realized to maintain your loved one's headstones. I'd always thought of them as a kind of place marker, and taking care of them a form of therapy for the grieving, but when you understand they can be the last tangible link to a loved one they invoke much more pain and significance. A life reduced to remembrance in the form of an engraved stone, and as I saw with some of Mike's neglected neighbors the world moves on and eventually forgets.

Gorgeous day today.

And now, because I like to keep things light, please enjoy this:

An Open Letter

2009-02-07T11:41:00.001-08:00

The following is an open letter to the weirdo church group I got stuck behind at lunch yesterday:

Dear Christians,

I use to be content to let you be. I use to think it was fine to let you go on believing the things you read in the bible, even though it would be like me thinking all those Dragonlance books I read in high school and college were real. After all, it's a free country. Right? We have the right to embrace religion, a religion, or no religion. But yesterday you crossed a line. No, not just A line THE line. You came recklessly close to ruining my lunch hour, and that is not something I can easily forgive.

Let's examine your wanton behavior. The first few minutes I was in line you were immersed in a competition to see who could name the books of the New Testament in order the fastest. First off, who gives a shit? Do you make it into Super Heaven if you have the stupid books memorized? Does Jesus say, "Sure you may have had premarital sex, lied through your teeth, and been an all around hypocrite all your life like most of my followers, BUT you sure know the names of the books in the New Testament so here's the keys to the executive bathroom. Oh, and FYI, you might wanna let it air out for about five minutes after Moses has been in there." Now normally I don't care if you are engaged in this type of tomfoolery. You're young. Enjoy it. But here's the thing: NONE OF YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WANTED TO ORDER. You could have been studying the menu while we waited in line instead of fucking around!!! That's what I was trying to do, but I couldn't concentrate for all your inane chatter. You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking distracting having somebody reciting bible lessons in the middle of my fucking lunch hour? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about it? So by the time you got up to the front of the line I had to listen to "Umm....what comes on the BMT?...Can I get that as a meal for under six dollars? I only have six dollars....What about a turkey sub?" And that might have been okay if just one of you did it, but it was all seven of you!

I noticed that two of you ordered a six inch chicken teriyaki. I noticed because I had decided on a footlong chicken teriyaki, but when I ordered they only had enough teriyaki chicken for a six inch. I had to get half chicken teriyaki, half roasted chicken breast fillet. It's not the same! Then when my sub came out of the toaster I had to wait even longer because you were off looking at chips instead of telling the Sandwich Artists what you wanted on your subs. Seriously? It's the second time that you didn't give a shit about what is going on in front of you, all right? I'm trying to fucking order a meal here, and I am going "Why the fuck are those christians walking there? What are they doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not on lunch if you're doing that?

Christians, I'm fucking serious. You're nice people. You're nice people, but that don't fucking cut it when you're bullshitting and fucking around at lunch like that. Seriously, you and me, we're fucking done professionally.

Fast Results

2009-01-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

So it's been a week since I experimented with the seventy-two hour juice fast, and I am sure you are all flaming...with curiosity about the results. I'll keep this short. I lasted forty-nine hours, which is about five times longer than I expected. I felt fatigued and fog-brained, had a horrible headache, and my blood sugar actually increased. Overall, I think I would prefer to keep the toxins in my system.

That is all. Now let us never speak of this again.

Keeping Myself Occupied

2009-01-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

In a mostly futile attempt to keep my mind off food I've undertaken a few projects over the last few hours. In order:

- A forty minute nap. I didn't see this one coming. It just kinda happened.

- Read the first few stories in fragile things. Neil Gaiman is the most rewarding author during the reread there is.

- Scrubbed the kitchen floor. On hands and knees and everything.

- Took the remaining sugar cubes out of the box and counted them. Thirty-seven. Get this, though, when I put them back in the count only came out to thirty-five.

As I approach hour nineteen I feel a little bit better, but, man, is my mind muddled.

In Which I Feel Hungry And Sorry For Myself

2009-01-17T12:01:00.000-08:00

When Angie was sixteen a nearly fatal combination of gull stones and pancreatitis landed her in the hospital for nearly four months. For three of these months she was fed intravenously and was allowed only occasional sips of ice water to moisten her throat. She tells me the hunger never truly departs, but it does subside to a dull roar. I asked her how long before she reached a point where she was able to ignore the hunger for maybe a few hours at a time. The answer was about three weeks.

I am a little over fourteen hours into my fast, and am experiencing my first true hunger pangs. Until now I have done a decent job ignoring my stomachs pleas for food. Sure, I was tempted while I watched The Other Andy attempt to eat those four giant pancakes (above) at Charlie Parker's, but the hunger wasn't as strong then. Now my stomach is no longer making polite requests, it is issuing demands. Its incessant nagging is interfering with my thought process.

And there is more. I have a horrible headache, and feel fatigued. Literature I have read online assures me these are symptoms of my body ridding itself of al those pesky toxins. Great. Not only are my internal organs harassing me with their cries for food; I also have to go through some type withdraw?

Oh well, only fifty-eight hours to go....

A Brief Word On Cranberry Juice

2009-01-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

It looks like the hardest part of this whole fast is not going to be avoiding food, but forcing myself to down eight glasses of this cran juice over the course of the day. How do I put this delicately...It tastes like a mixture of antelope piss and elephant shit. The recipe is a concoction of water, unsweetened cranberry juice, cinnamon, ground ginger, nutmeg, orange juice, lemon juice, and Steiva which is an all-natural sweetener that costs six friggin' dollars for a box. I guess the Steiva helps fight back the bitterness of the cranberry juice, but it's kinda like sprinkling sugar on a dog turd. This is going to be a lot harder than I imagined.

And So It Begins

2009-01-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

As I write this the clock strikes midnight, the witching hour, dead of night. Most of you are probably in bed or, this being the weekend, passed out or well on your way to said state. But not I. There will be little sleep for me over the next seventy-two hours for I have embarked on a perilous journey from whence I may never return...(insert dramatic music here)

Actually I will return. In point of fact I probably won't even complete this journey. As of, oh a minute and a half ago, I am on a seventy-two hour juice fast!

That's right for the next three days (or however long I last) I shall subsist on naught but water and a homemade cranberry juice. A minimum of sixty-four ounces of each.

Andy, this is stupid. Why would you do something as stupid as this, Stupid?

A good question. And you are right: this is stupid. Fasting is stupid, and fruitless (That was a pun, or play on words. I don't know if you noiticed)! There are a lot of people out there who believe the occasional fast is good for the body. They say when your body isn't busy digesting all the food you eat it can focus its energy on cleansing your body of all the toxins you absorb through processed foods, prescription and over-the-counter drugs, milk from secretly radiated cows, and so on. Apparently if you just give your body a chance to "detox" you will feel loads better.

I am not one of these people. I don't believe in detoxing, or colon cleansing, or any of that garbage. I certainly don't think depriving yourself of food for an extended duration will make you feel any better. I figure there's only one way to know for sure, and that's to just try it out for myself. I doubt I make it the entire seventy-two hours. Anyone who knows me knows how fond I am of food. But I will go as long as I can.

I plan to blog my experience throughout the whole process. I've neglected this page and writing in general over the last couple months, and this is a good way to get back into the swing of things. I'll also include some additional updates on Twitter which you can follow here. You don't have to have a twitter account to read the updates, but after seeing how awesome it is you will probably sign up. Unless you're a jerk.

I polished off a hearty meal around fifteen minutes ago so the hunger shouldn't kick in until breakfast time. In the meantime I have some cran juice to prepare.

Public Transportation Fun

2009-01-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

AND

The Ironic Divide Episode One

2009-01-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

Our new podcast has finally arrived! We think you'll really like it.

In this episode:

- Introducing Andy & Bryan
- Bad Acting Theater: Chaos Wars
- Quick Things
- 2008 Year in Review
- New website coming soon

Intro music: "Too Drunk to Fuck" by: Dead Kennedys
Ending music: "This World" by: Supreme Beings of Leisure

Download the episode here.

Two True American Heroes

2008-12-16T18:19:00.000-08:00

And don't forget to sign the Bring Back Crystal Pepsi petition. Do it for the children if nothing else.

Untitled Thing Episode Four

2008-12-13T22:02:00.001-08:00

In this episode:

- Rod Blagojevich
- Aiko The Robot
- Show prep for the final episode of The Other Andy Show
- A new segment called Quick Things

Intro music: "Lounge Act" by Nirvana
Ending music: "Risingson" by: Massive Attack

Click here to download the episode

Happy (belated) Birthday Benoit Mandelbrot!!!

2008-11-21T05:53:00.000-08:00

Only a day late.

Twitter: So Not Gay

2008-11-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

andyeinstein Just bought Wall E on Blu Ray. Can't wait to see the 1080 goodness. less than 5 seconds ago from web

If you were a member of Twitter, and more importantly one of my followers on Twitter, you would have just received that message.

But, Andy, what is Twitter? It must be pretty awesome if you are involved in it.
You are correct. It is awesome. Twitter is a micro-blogging service that allows users to send and read other users' updates which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length. Updates can be found on a user's profile page, sent to your mobile phone via text message, or through an application like Twitteriffic which can be downloaded to your computer via something called the Internet. The primary purpose of each twitter update is to answer the question: What are you doing?

Let's observe what some of my fellow twitter users are up to right now:

lilypants hold theeeeese nuuuuuuts less than 5 seconds ago from web

ginatufano showing off my clean (still) inbox...yup it is. less than 5 seconds ago from web

yngwii 非常讨厌深圳这个鬼地方！ less than 5 seconds ago from JiWai

spaulds1 Correction: Tar Heels playing in Chapel Hill....unfortunately I am in Charlotte.......... :( less than 5 seconds ago from web

Now you get it. If you were friends with any of these people you would be endlessly intrigued by the information above.

But, Andy, aren't these updates kind of pointless and...well, isn't twitter kind of gay?

That is a very immature attitude! Twitter is neither gay nor ghey. Did you even read yngwii's post above? Listen, the point of this blog entry is thus: Go to Twitter.com, sign up, become my follower.

My Youtube Shame (and then a good video) Part I

2008-10-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

We've all had nights where we've been caught up watching Youtube videos until four A.M., and had to drag ourselves into work the next day on just ninety minutes of sleep. Oh, you haven't? I have. Several times. Most of the videos I have no problem sharing with friends, but there are a few I should probably keep to myself.

Take for example the Ram It video. I've watched this video at least fifty times, and can say without a doubt it is the gayest video on the Interwebs. The problems are many fold. First, they say "ram it" way too many times for comfort. Then if you actually listen to the words you hear things like "I come from the end, lookin' for the sack. I don't stop comin' till I put 'em on their back." and the guy confessing that he "don't want Dick running over me." Also, does anybody really find those cheerleaders with their big 80's hair attractive? I thought not.

Okay, as an apology for subjecting you to that, please also enjoy this pwning of Sarah Palin.

Don't Do Fat. Not Even Once.

2008-10-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

Back in March I came up with a way to motivate myself to exercise more and get in shape. Angie and I came up with some fitness goals involving weight, size, and endurance. We agreed on my 30th birthday as the deadline to meet these goals. The bet was if I failed I would take Angie to Disney World. If I won, I told her she would have to do some things she wouldn't normally do. She said no to that, so I decided to cross that bridge when and if I came to it.

So my training began. I loaded up my mp3 player with music from the Rocky soundtrack, and hit the streets. I started out with leisurely strolls around the neighborhood and Washington Park and even threw in some light jogging. I didn't concern myself with the weight goal just yet because I felt I could reach that in about eight to ten months with dedicated dieting.

As the weather got warmer I started hitting the gym. It was time to start my strength training anyway. I showed up at the gym with infrequent regularity. Good for a week, skip a week. Needless to say this hampered my progress, especially since that skip a week turned into skip two weeks, go one day, skip another week.

One day in August, after nearly a month of wallowing in my own fat, I decided to return to the gym with renewed vigor. That's when I got the shin splints. I didn't know they were the shin splints at the time, I just knew every step I took sent fiery agony from my foot up to my knee. It was my doctor who broke the news. The following is a dramatization of that fateful conversation:

Me: Give it to me straight, doc. I'm a man. I can take it.

Doctor Hendricks: (rolling his cigar from one corner of his mouth to the other) You're too fat, fatty. When fatso's like you get on a tread and start running it creates too much stress on your fat legs. You have a case of the shin splints...the fat person version.

Me: Is it serious? Will I live?

DH: Oh, you'll live (under his breath) unless a heart attack gets ya. I recommend staying off that treadmill for six weeks, otherwise you could develop a stress fracture. And then you'll be on crutches, fatty. If you need to do some cardio, and - let's face it -you do, stick to a stationary bike. Preferably one that your grossly obese carcass won't break as soon as you sit on it. (Puts cigar out on his arm)

So I tried the stationary bike a couple of times, and it was boring. Much more boring than the treadmill, which is the most boring thing in the universe. Feeling dejected and sorry for myself, I quit going to the gym all together.

Fast forward two months later to this past Saturday. I make my triumphant return to the gym. I hit that tread with reckless abandon, and feel great. I repeat the same thing on Sunday. I'm feeling so good I went back again tonight, Monday, and I lasted about ten minutes. The shin splints are back with a vengeance.

So here is the situation. I need to get on a treadmill, because I'm fat. But, since I'm fat, I shouldn't do the treadmill. The moral of the story? Fat. Not even once.

The Origin of the Universe - Justnowism

2008-10-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

My Conversation With The John Lennon Bot

2008-10-18T12:44:00.001-07:00

These things never go well, but about once a year I have a conversation with the chat bot programmed after my favorite singer/songwriter. Here's how it went this year.

Hey, this is John speaking (with his fingers). What's your first name?

Andy

Hey,Andy,You know my name,look up the number.

Yeah. That wasn't one of your best songs.

I never noted his nose until about six months ago.

I see they still let you do drugs in...wherever you are.

You see they still let i do drugs in wherever i are?

Why are you mocking me? I'm a big fan.

Reductionism.

What does that mean?

Nothing really. I said it just to please you.

So what have you been up to lately?

I've no idea. Perhaps I should ask you.

If I knew I wouldn't have asked.

Try it.

What?

Try it. I have a book.

You ever been rick rolled?

No I don't think I have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI

http:%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch?v%3DYu_moia-oVI

Whatever.

Are you saying you don't care about it?

Yes.

Okay.

Bye.

Yeah bye.

Jerk

Are you a vegetarian?

---

I wonder if that's what he was really like.

Nic's Pics

2008-10-13T15:56:00.001-07:00

All photos were taken by my friend Bryan.

The Tale Of Brave Sir Nicolas

2008-10-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Friday: Angie's mom calls me regarding something in her backyard underneath the lawn mower. I can hear her dogs going nuts in the background. She thinks maybe it's some kind of lizard or snake. We head over to her place and discover it's a cat. It looks half starved and can't walk, my guess is it was hit by a car and has dragged itself to this point. I gently pulled on his scruff, and the skin stayed sticking out which is a sign of dehydration. We take it to the Emergency Animal Clinic. At the clinic they run some blood work, and give the cat a once over. It tests negative for Feline Leukemia, and kidney and liver enzymes are normal. They still need to run x-rays as the cat has an obvious and serious injury to or near its rear left leg. They say he was definitely hit by a car. We leave the cat there over night with a promise from the staff that we will be updated on the cat's condition.

Saturday: After an early morning call from the clinic we learn that the cat, which we have since dubbed Sir Nicolas, has a broken pelvis and a broken leg. We arrive at the clinic shortly thereafter.

Before consultation, they let us see Nic. He is already a completely different cat than the scared, scrawny thing we left last night. He shows a very friendly and playful disposition, nipping our fingers and trying to hold our hands down so he can give them a serious licking. It is Nic's opinion that no amount of petting is too much for him, and he purrs constantly.

The doctor shows us the x-ray of Nic's leg. I don't know anything about reading x-rays, but I do know that your leg shouldn't be in about fifty different pieces. The only viable option is to amputate the leg, a procedure that will cost anywhere from one to two thousand dollars. A big thank you to Angie's mom goes here for covering the things they did charge us for.

At this point I'm thinking euthanasia is going to be the only course of action we can take since there was no way we could pay for the surgery, but the vet came up with a solution. She offered to perform the amputation for free on her own time (with a good old fashion neutering for good measure) if we agreed to foster Nic to recovery until the Animal Protective League can take him in.

There were a couple of surprises during and after the surgery. When the leg was removed yellow pus oozed out the wound. There was so much of it the vet told us that based on the amount of pus she would guess that Nic had been hit by the car around 7 - 10 days ago, and that he was lucky to be alive.

Sadly, she spoke too soon. A half hour after his surgery Sir Nicolas died. His heart stopped...Luckily they were able to revive him. Most likely he passed a blood clot, but they were able to get him ticking again by flushing his system with some kind of medication. They tell us he should be fine, and can go home on Sunday.

Sunday: The vet releases Sir Nicolas into our care. She gave us instructions for his pain meds and antibiotic, and he has an appointment to see our regular vet on 10/25. Until then he is confined to crate so his hip can mend properly. He seems to be okay with his new surroundings, and eats like a pig whenever we feed him.

Don't Know Why

2008-09-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Just felt like posting this. No particular reason. Ahem.

Face It. People With Red Hair Are Better Than You.

2008-09-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching the Neanderthal Code on Nat Geo, and the narrator mentioned that some Neanderthals had red hair. This is a fairly new discovery considering as early as fifty years ago we believed our genetic cousins were mere ape men who may or may not have walked upright.

So this got me to thinking about the red head's (ginger's) place in the world. Like Neanderthals, gingers were once the object of scorn and prejudice by the rest of the world. And by rest of the world I mean Religious People. Red hair was once thought to be a mark of a beastly sexual desire and moral degeneration. Yeah, they considered that a bad thing. Beastly. Red hair and green eyes were thought to be the sign of a witch, a werewolf or a vampire during the Middle Ages. Maybe all three at once.

Of course this was during civilization's low point, and some 1,500 years in the past. Today we know that red hair is caused by the melanocortin 1 receptor (MC1R), a protein located on the 16 chromosome. Pigments are also involved, causing people like me to yell at random strangers, "Hey, Darkie, think you got enough eumelanin there? Why don't you try getting some more pheomelanin? Ya jerk!"

Ginger's are here to stay like it or not. We may be sex-crazed vampire maniacs, but we are people too. Also, according to one expert (me) we smell better.

So Long TIF

2008-09-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

For silly legal reasons my friend Bryan and I had to end our beloved podcast. I've removed the link from this blog, and the show's website will be taken down within the next few hours. Plans for a new podcast are already underway.

Fun At The Fair And A couple Thoughts

2008-08-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

I usually avoid the state fair like the plague. The hot temperatures and crowds usually don't add up to a good time in my book. This year, however, the mild temps and hearing about the food ad nauseum drove me out north side to partake in some of the fair time delicacies.

My list of foods conquered:

tandoori chicken (which was so good I will be going to the ethnic festival in a couple of weeks to get more), yaki mandu, grilled corn w/ parmesean garlic seasoning (sorry, Jason), a cheese brat from midstate meats, elephant ear, turkey leg, alligator on a stick, mozzerella sticks, and cotton candy.

All that for under forty bucks. It makes me want to write a book, The All Fair Food Diet, that caters towards underweight people, who I feel are over looked by the diet industry.

Some Random Thoughts:

- While walking on my break last Friday I was informed by a homeless person that, "Abe Lincoln's ghost is a fucking whore." First off, not true. I think Abe's ghost is loyal to the ghost of Mary Todd. Second, if we go by society's double standard, men can not be whores no matter how much they sleep around. And finally, even if Abe's ghost was a whore I doubt he would be sleeping with a homeless man no matter how much the homeless man resembled Fredrick Douglas.

- Speaking of ghosts, I had an interesting conversation with a couple coworkers who think I am crazy for not believing in ghosts. That's fine. To each his own. One of them told me of a haunted house in Equality, Illinois commonly known as the Old Slave House. According to the coworker many have tried to spend the night at this house, but none have succeeded. Even worse; three marines tried to sleep there with horrific results. One died (of fright I'm guessing), one is now a mute, and the third has never been seen since that night.

So, being the cynical bastard I am, I went home and did a little research on the Old Slave House. I could find nothing about these three marines, even though I was assured it had been documented in local newspapers, and was not some type of bullshit local myth. I found that at least one person, a reporter from Harrisburg, IL (yeah, Harrisburg) was able to spend an entire night in the house. I also found an article about three Indiana men who were arrested for trespassing and vandalism when they were found in the house drinking beer and watching TV. Real fucking haunted.

Credit to my friend Bryan for the Sky Lift photo.

The Hubble Deep Field: The Most Important Image Ever Taken

2008-07-27T15:07:00.001-07:00

One criticism I often hear is that it is extraordinarily arrogant of atheists to not believe in a higher power. To think that humans are the end-all, be-all of the universe. I for one do not think humans are significant at all in the grand scheme of the cosmos. I hope this video helps put things in perspective.

The Future's so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades.

2008-07-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

You learn something new everyday, and today I learned that something is pulling our galaxy, along with tens of thousands of other galaxies, toward itself at roughly 14 million miles per hour. What that something is, we don't know. We just know it's some type of giant mass named 'The Great Attractor" pulling us towards it. I learned this over the weekend. Astronomers have known it for years, the bastards.

This got me to thinking. At 14 million mph how long until we get there? Given that the Great Attractor is 250 million light years from our Solar System (how is that possible if the universe is only 6000?), we should arrive in, oh, 12.5 billion years or so. Except we won't be around when this happens, and I don't mean just you and I. The Earth won't be around either. In 5 billion years the Sun will become a Red Giant and its radius will be large enough to envelop the Earth.

Do not despair. There is some other cool stuff that will happen way before that. The galaxy known as Andromeda is still on a collision course with the Milky Way. When that happens (only 2.5 billion years from now) the two galaxies are expected to merge and form one larger galaxy. It is possible there will still be humans on Earth to witness this, and there is a small chance that one of Andromeda's planets will have intelligent life willing to sell us oil for cheap.

In the not so distant future, Smith's Cloud is expected to merge with the Milky Way in only 20 to 40 million years at a point in the Perseus Arm. The impact is expected to produce a burst of star formations, which should be pretty neat to see.

Okay, so what are some cool things you can expect to be alive to see? Well, the movie Religulous is out this fall. Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB8fPJ6zds8. Also, The Dark Knight is out this Friday. That should be pretty cool.

A New Way To Celebrate

2008-07-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

I think fireworks are overrated which means I tend to stay indoors on the 4th of July. Actually, as an avid indoorsman, I would stay inside anyway, but the point is if you've seen one fireworks display you've seen them all. That's why I am endorsing switching from fireworks to the hot dog eating contest in Coney Island as our new way of celebrating our independence.

This year American Joey Chestnut won for the second year in a row, defeating Japan's Takeru Kobayashi who had won the contest six straight times prior to last year. The two tied at fifty-nine hot dogs after ten minutes, and then faced off in a five hot dog sudden death. Sudden death. You can't get that with fireworks.

What's more American;trying to see how many dogs you can scarf in ten minutes or setting off fire works? That's an easy one. Even china has fire works diplays, but have they ever had one of their citizens eat over sixty hotdogs in almost the time it will take me to write this post? I don't think so.

So what do you say? How 'bout next year we stay indoors, and instead of lighting off boring old analog fireworks we turn on our digital TVs and root our country on (unless you were for Kobayashi like me) in the Super Bowl of competitive eating. I think the Founding Fathers would have wanted it that way.

Fun With Young Earth Creationists

2008-07-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't mean to post another one of my back and forths from the sj-r website so soon, but that was just the way the cookie crumbled this time. Today I bring you the words of July 3, not the date but the poster. His first post caught my attention:

To Chief Illiniwek: A young earth is quite easy to defend, both Biblically and scientifically. The old age of the earth, according to some, has changed regularly over the course of my 70 years, from a supposed few million years to, now, several billion years. Just don't know where all those years are coming from.

Okay, he wasn't talking to me, but I'm an Internet Loudmouth so I forced my way in to the conversation:

July 3, the earth is 4.5 billion years old, and the universe even older. To say the Earth was created in one week 6,000 years ago means you are wrong by a factor of about one million. It's like believing the grand canyon is the same width as your finger.

Yet you claim you know the Earth is only 6000 because you've spent your life studying one book written by a bunch of people who had never even heard of the scientific method? This is enough to deny an old earth and older universe? If so you must also deny: weak nuclear force, potassium-argon dating, argon-argon dating, carbon-14 dating, rubidium-strontium dating, samarium-neodymium dating, dendrochronology, ice cores, varves (fresh sediment layers), coral layers, thermoluminescence, and even gravity. Yeah, gravity. But why worry? Gravity is just a theory. Right?

I tried to keep it simple. State the facts about the age of the Earth and Universe, give a dramatic example about how far off the young earthers are, and give some examples of some of the ways we can test and confirm the numbers I gave. End of story, or so I thought, but July 3 decided to fight science with pseudo-science!!! He writes:

No doubt the best evidence for a young earth is the Bible - God was the only eye witness to its origin. Beyond that there are many evidences. The presence of measurable Carbon 14 in coal and diamonds - C14 only measures in the thousands of years, not millions. The existence of short term comments, which would have burnt up long ago if the solar system was billions of years old. There is not enough mud on the sea floor, or enough sodium in the ocean for the earth to be billions of years old. The earth's magnetic field is decaying too fast for it to have been decaying at the present rate for billions of years. Radioactive decay rate methods are inconsistent and unreliable, and give long dates only if there is the assumption of long ages.

You've probably guessed my reaction. I curled into the fetal position and wept as my entire world view based on facts and reason had just been shattered with a few keystrokes. But I had to be true to myself, and did something young earth creationists never do: I researched July 3's claims, and when I learned he was just copy and pasting from some creationist website I was able to muster this feeble reply:

July3,

I should note that the projected life span of one short-period comet, Halley's comet, is 40,000 years. There is about 150 million years worth of sediment in the Mid-Atlantic Ridge where new sea floor is currently being generated. You're right about the sodium, or you would be if you weren't assuming salt cannot be removed from the oceans. Your contention on the Earth's magnetic field ignores the fact that the earth's magnetic polarity has reversed itself on numerous occasions. The consistency and accuracy of radioactive decay has been observed in laboratory studies.

My responses are over simplistic, BUT everything I've mentioned can be backed up by peer-reviewed scientific journals and articles. Every argument you've posed I've seen almost verbatim in creationist literature and on creationist websites. Now let me pose a few more tricky problems young earth creationists must deny: Speed of Light, Cepheid Variable Stars, Cosmic Microwave Background, Trigonometry, Ash Layers Between Sedimentary Layers, Plate Tectonics, Supernova 1987a, Globular Clusters, The Large And Small Magellanic Clouds, and ALL I repeat ALL other galaxies.

July 3 has not responded.

A message to Young Earth Creationists:I don't believe in god (duh). I have no problem with you believing in a god, and I recognize that religion has helped many people transform their lives for the good. But, if you believe god created the Earth why do you ignore it? If he created the mountains and the mountains tell us they are billions of years old why do you deny this in favor of a book written by flawed men, and translated over eighty times from its original language? Look at the world around you. Study it. Learn from it. That's all that the scientists you seek discredit are doing. The realities of evolution and big bang do not rule out the existence of a creator. Nor would proof of a creator be the end of science. Which would you rather listen to: the words of men (bible) or the actual creation of your god? I think that's an easy one.

Fun With Fundies

2008-06-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do on the Internet is ~~watch porn all day long~~ read the comments section on my local paper's website sj-r.com. The lunatic fringe of the city is usually out in full force, and the comments often serve better than caffeine to get my blood boiling first thing in the morning. Take this recent back and forth I had with some one calling themselves 'Smiling.' We'll start with Smiling's first comment:

Scientists have proven the earth was flooded, they have found Noah's Ark... God says in Genesis that he will never again destroy the earth with floods. He makes a bow, a rainbow to validate his promise. We still see rainbows today. This world gets uglier and uglier the further away from God we get. Believing that 'man' is the ultimate being...

Well this was certainly news to me. I had no idea the universal flood had been proven AND they (archaeologists, I suppose) found Noah's Ark!!! I thought news like this would have been plastered all over the front pages, and discussed ad nauseam on Fox News. I mean isn't this pretty much definitive proof of one of the world's major religions? It must be the liberal media plotting to keep this wonderful news from us.

Being the Skeptic (that's my sj-r handle) that I am I did some research into this matter. Sadly, I could find nothing to confirm Smiling's story. Being the cynical asshole that I am, I posed Smiling with this query:

Smiling, since you are so willing to accept that scientist's have proven a worldwide flood in Noah's time (they haven't by the way) are you also equally willing to accept other areas of science such as evolution, abiogenesis, and big bang?

This is reasonable, right? If good ole Smiling is willing to take the word of science to prove his ridiculous flood/Noah story, he must also accept the other facets of science he doesn't find so desirable. But, true to his fundie roots, Smiling did not see my point of view:

No, Skeptic, I will not concede to the evolution, big bang, etc. theories! Sorry! My belief is in a God, a higher being than myself, certainly not a scientist, who by the way is also a human being, not a higher being! Human beings are imperfect, I choose to believe there is One who is ... perfect. I HAVE to believe there is One who is better than - us.

At this point I can only conclude that Smiling has gone insane, using exclamations, ellipses, capital letters, and dashes all willy-nilly. This is typical fundamentalist nonsense. Smiling is willing to accept the science that gave him the computer he types on, his air-conditioned home, the medicine and vaccines that have saved millions and millions of lives without batting an eye. If you approach him with evolution or the big bang theories; all of a sudden science is clueless? Go figure.

My Blog Coming Soon

2008-06-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

Hello. I hope to have my first real blog post up sometime this week. Until then please enjoy this ridiculous 80s choreographed gang fight featuring the older brother from Mr. Belvedere.