Saturday, February 7, 2009

An Open Letter

The following is an open letter to the weirdo church group I got stuck behind at lunch yesterday:

Dear Christians,

I use to be content to let you be. I use to think it was fine to let you go on believing the things you read in the bible, even though it would be like me thinking all those Dragonlance books I read in high school and college were real. After all, it's a free country. Right? We have the right to embrace religion, a religion, or no religion. But yesterday you crossed a line. No, not just A line THE line. You came recklessly close to ruining my lunch hour, and that is not something I can easily forgive.

Let's examine your wanton behavior. The first few minutes I was in line you were immersed in a competition to see who could name the books of the New Testament in order the fastest. First off, who gives a shit? Do you make it into Super Heaven if you have the stupid books memorized? Does Jesus say, "Sure you may have had premarital sex, lied through your teeth, and been an all around hypocrite all your life like most of my followers, BUT you sure know the names of the books in the New Testament so here's the keys to the executive bathroom. Oh, and FYI, you might wanna let it air out for about five minutes after Moses has been in there." Now normally I don't care if you are engaged in this type of tomfoolery. You're young. Enjoy it. But here's the thing: NONE OF YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WANTED TO ORDER. You could have been studying the menu while we waited in line instead of fucking around!!! That's what I was trying to do, but I couldn't concentrate for all your inane chatter. You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking distracting having somebody reciting bible lessons in the middle of my fucking lunch hour? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about it? So by the time you got up to the front of the line I had to listen to "Umm....what comes on the BMT?...Can I get that as a meal for under six dollars? I only have six dollars....What about a turkey sub?" And that might have been okay if just one of you did it, but it was all seven of you!

I noticed that two of you ordered a six inch chicken teriyaki. I noticed because I had decided on a footlong chicken teriyaki, but when I ordered they only had enough teriyaki chicken for a six inch. I had to get half chicken teriyaki, half roasted chicken breast fillet. It's not the same! Then when my sub came out of the toaster I had to wait even longer because you were off looking at chips instead of telling the Sandwich Artists what you wanted on your subs. Seriously? It's the second time that you didn't give a shit about what is going on in front of you, all right? I'm trying to fucking order a meal here, and I am going "Why the fuck are those christians walking there? What are they doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not on lunch if you're doing that?

Christians, I'm fucking serious. You're nice people. You're nice people, but that don't fucking cut it when you're bullshitting and fucking around at lunch like that. Seriously, you and me, we're fucking done professionally.